Sui-sides: My side

When I decide to die, it's not your fault. You are in no way responsible for my decision. It's MY decision.

When I choose to die, it won't be about you. I acknowledge that there will be a feeling that I didn't love you enough to live, and there will be a lot of wondering how could I do that to you. I say again, I can't say  often enough -- it's not about you.

I didn't love you enough?

First off, it is my great, great, overwhelming love for each and every one of you that has kept me going this long. Because I have loved you, I got up from my bed and cooked, and advised,  and even drove all over the countryside  because YOU NEEDED ME.
It is my love for you that keeps me trying.

My love for you has kept me going beyond all reason, beyond all sanity.

Sometimes, in the bad times, I resent that. I don't want held. I want free. Free to live my life  -- or NOT!

How could I do what, exactly, to you? End my life? Lay myself down to  a sleep where I won't have to go to the bathroom, or answer  the telephone, or do any of the many, many things that rob me of my rest, that steal peace from me?
How is that doing something to you? What makes you the star of my death?

I'm tired.
I'm sick.
I'm sick and tired.

I am also in pain. Mental, physical, emotional. Doesn't matter. I hurt.
I hurt, and you can't make that better, although  I know you want to.
I hurt, and healing is too hard. Another chore, another job, another effort.

It's not that you aren't worth  the effort -- you ARE.
It's just too hard, and it hurts too badly.

Finally.
I can't.
I just can't.

Not even you can make it worthwhile.

Give me rest.
Let me rest.

Why not "Go Gently"?

More and more people are mindlessly chanting"Do not go gently" as if there is some special virtue in fighting on endlessly and senselessly, and futilely, as the end is, at some time, inevitable. It seems as if the only thing that matters is to fight, never mind quality of life or even if there's any reason to fight on.

Now, I am not advocating a 'not fight' attitude, either, although there are some who will read only that message in what I say. In fighting the good fight, who decides what is good? And does the 'good fight' refer to weapons, or attitude, or intelligence, or exactly what? What makes the fight good?

I'm not saying that anyone should just quit. No one should go without trying. But I am in no one's head or heart or soul -- I don't know what their struggles have been. I don't know that they didn't fight. There are reasons to lay down the weapons.

Is no one allowed to become fatigued? If someone chooses to go to sleep, are they chickening out by going gently? If one has struggled all life long, is it a requirement to continue fighting, even though the only fight is to keep fighting?

What of terminal illnesses? What if it's all been done, but the disease remains?

No one knows what anyone else's fight has been. They may think they do, they may have seen this or that part of the fight, but they don't know. They can't know. There's truth in the saying that we all die alone.

The "Do not go gently" has become so ingrained in our culture, that hospice workers and other death attendants have to advise people to tell their loved ones "It's okay. You can go." Without this permission from their loved ones, people will stay beyond their need. They will suffer. They will endure. They will fight on, although the time of succeeding has passed.

When I go, I hope that I do indeed go gently. I would not want my family, my children to have to watch my death throes, maybe for years and years. Maybe even my body living on long after my Presence has gone from it.

When that happens, this will be my prayer.

Now I lay me Down to Sleep.
A Peaceful Passing let me keep.
I will 'go gently into that good night'
I have finished with the fight.