Today I look around my house and the many things I see bring a deep sense of mourning to me.
The baby's playpen, bought four years ago for Hailey, now in use again for another sweet baby. Will I see him again in there? Will I be around to see him stand and peep over its side and laugh at me? Will I hear him say "Mammaw, Mammaw"?
Hailey's doll house that I just bought for her, furnished, at a yard sale. Last time she was here, she played for hours sitting in front of the TV, but not even paying attention to the programming. Will I be around to enjoy her enjoying what Mammaw got her?
No, I'm not ill, and I have no current plans to do away with myself.
I don't want to do away with myself, just the mishmash disappointed and never ending duties duties duties my life has become.
I don't mind taking care of my chronically ill husband. But why in hell won't he do his part to take care of himself? He is NOT bedridden.
Is it my fault? Have I taken such good care of him that he no longer takes any responsibility for his own well-being? Have I put up with so much, too much, and has my caretaking crippled him more than his multiple illnesses? Have I solved so many problems and fought so many battles for him that he no longer feels any need to solve or fight?
Something has to change here, and I'm afraid that it will, once again, be me.
However, I will try.
For the sake of the beautiful babies that light up both our lives. They need the refuge that grandparents' homes can be -- every child needs that.
They need grandparents -- a Pappaw as well as a Mammaw.
Mammaw needs Pappaw, too.
Will she ever have those things again?
Will she ever enjoy those things again?
Will anyone else cherish or change things?
What to do if the answer is "NO!"?
I wish I knew.
The baby's playpen, bought four years ago for Hailey, now in use again for another sweet baby. Will I see him again in there? Will I be around to see him stand and peep over its side and laugh at me? Will I hear him say "Mammaw, Mammaw"?
Hailey's doll house that I just bought for her, furnished, at a yard sale. Last time she was here, she played for hours sitting in front of the TV, but not even paying attention to the programming. Will I be around to enjoy her enjoying what Mammaw got her?
No, I'm not ill, and I have no current plans to do away with myself.
I don't want to do away with myself, just the mishmash disappointed and never ending duties duties duties my life has become.
I don't mind taking care of my chronically ill husband. But why in hell won't he do his part to take care of himself? He is NOT bedridden.
Is it my fault? Have I taken such good care of him that he no longer takes any responsibility for his own well-being? Have I put up with so much, too much, and has my caretaking crippled him more than his multiple illnesses? Have I solved so many problems and fought so many battles for him that he no longer feels any need to solve or fight?
Something has to change here, and I'm afraid that it will, once again, be me.
However, I will try.
For the sake of the beautiful babies that light up both our lives. They need the refuge that grandparents' homes can be -- every child needs that.
They need grandparents -- a Pappaw as well as a Mammaw.
Mammaw needs Pappaw, too.
Will she ever have those things again?
Will she ever enjoy those things again?
Will anyone else cherish or change things?
What to do if the answer is "NO!"?
I wish I knew.
I know the uncertainty you're talking about. Sometimes it hits me so hard I just wanna sit in the floor and cry. But usually, I take comfort in knowing that if a truck hits me tomorrow, I'll be missed and if a truck hits a loved one tomorrow, I'll have the memories. Don't be sad it's over, be glad it happened, right?
ReplyDeleteAnd remember, being taken for granted is the most annoying compliment ever! It means you have, in some way, made yourself needed!