Showing posts with label breath. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breath. Show all posts

Monday, February 15, 2021

The Lure of That Light

The light lured me out that night.

The moonlight coming through my ceiling.  

Sometimes silver, sometimes white.

Promising.

Hopeful.

A reminder of beauty, and receding darkness, and tomorrows.


Yes. it was cold out there, but that light was so intriguing.

 I had to see it, look at it, feel it on my skin, breathe it into my body.


So I wrapped up in a blanket, slipped on some shoes, and went to sit on my porch while the coffee brewed.


It was everything that has ever been said about moonlight. All the clichés come to life. Silver, gold, pure, clear, white, magic, mystic, omnipresent. 

Wise.

Every reality, every dream


I had thought to return to my shelter when the coffee was done, but instead I found myself dragging a chair off the porch, into the yard, to settle myself, my blanket, and my hot drink out in the yard beside my fence. 

I looked up and up into the purity of a winters night, with the beacon moon tangled and bouncing in the bare black branches of the stripped trees. 

Black clouds gathered around the light, and crowded it, trying to overtake it.

But it would not be doused. 

It serenely shone on, as the branches danced and painted themselves with the colors of the light.  So much light so that when the darkness of the ominous clouds did succeed in dimming the light, the trees were able to return the light to its source, so that the darkness never blotted it out completely.

Such symbiosis!

Such love.

Such faith in the intangibles. 


I don't know how long I sat out there. Or how short. Time did not exist while the moon glowed, the wind made music, and the trees danced. 


I don't know.

 And I do not care.


The time thatwasn't, that I was just another part of. A twig. A dust mote. A breath of wind. 

A breath of life.


Yes, the magic of moonlight, cliched as it is, was tall and strong and all inclusive that night.

And I was humbled and exalted to be a part of it.



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Friday, February 26, 2016

No Rhyme, but a Faint Persistent Rhythm

No reason.
No Rhyme.
No sense.

But, through it all, a rhythm persists. The emotional equivalent of a heartbeat. It may be slow and troubled. It may be clamorous. It may be nothing more than there, but it persists.

I watched my husband die. He couldn't breathe anymore, not effectively. But that big ol' strong loving heart of his kept on beating, in spite of everything else in him shutting down.

What a waste that was, once death was inevitable, and of his choosing. (He could have been kept alive, by a machine breathing for him. But being alive and living are two different (too different) things, and if he couldn't live, why remain artificially alive?)

But his heart didn't get that message, and it continued on.

That is where I am, emotionally.
I am worn out,
I am tired.
The joy is gone.
The curiosity us gone.
The drive is gone.

What remains is a beating heart, prolonging the torture of a nonexistent existence.

There is no life support machine for my dying parts (although grandchildren come close) and I'm not so certain I would choose a tethered artificial life anyway. Probably not.

Perhaps there is hope for a cure, or a remission. Some part must think so.
Too bad it isn't a part that knows anything.
Perhaps it is just a reluctance to leave the known for the unknown. Or just wanting to remain where we know love.

Whatever it is, the beat goes on.
Even when there is no hope.