A Not What It Was Day.

Today has just been strange. I am moving into my own trailer, next door to Tammy's. Today is the first day in a week I've sent much time in there. Did homey things like hang curtains.
Used a staple gun.
Used Rex's staple gun.
It felt weird.
I felt weird.

It's funny moving all our stuff out of storage and back into daily living.
I have a lot of papers and stuff to get rid of.
A lot to keep; a lot I want to keep, but should I?
How can I throw some of it out?

Found my dad's little coffee maker, but don't seem to have the pot for it.
Found my DVDs but have no player. Used to watch on my computer while Rex watched tv. Now have a laptop that doesn't play Cd's, No doubt I could buy something, either for tv or computer, or both, but it's different. It's not gonna be the way it used to be.

Odd to have a closet with only my clothes needing kept.
Odd to have a bedroom that is probably only large enough for bed and nightstand.

It's gonna be really strange when I get moved in, to be coming home to an empty house, even if the babies are just next door.

Everything Does NOT Mean Something

I, for one, am getting tired of seeing and reading about all the secret signs and symbols that "don't really mean" what we think they do. Or that they have any meaning at all.

The latest secret meaning is a safety pin. I haven't read any of the details yet, but apparently, especially in the UK, wearing a safety pin has some secret ritual meaning that the world is only now becoming aware of.

Nope. If you see me wearing a safety pin, it means I found one and picked it up, and stuck it in my clothes to keep it until I get to my safety pin keeping-place. That's all; that's it. (Unless, of course, it's perhaps holding my clothing together until I can get to my clothes-fixing-place.)

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A purple butterfly means a lost twin. Yes, but only a specific design in specific places -- a NICU.

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A black dot drawn on the hand means "help I'm being abused." Seriously?

First of all, after all the publicity, do you think an abuser is going to let his (or her) victim out with marks on her (or him)? Do you think an abuser is NOT so controlling as to notice every detail of dress, hair, markings? You don't know much about controlling persons, do you?

Imagine the confusion and embarrassment this could cause. For you, for the assumed victim, for the assumed abuser, even for the police involved.
Because if I have black dots on my hands or anywhere else, it probably means one of my grandkids got busy with an ink pen or marker.
It could mean I washed (and maybe dried) an ink pen that broke when I discovered it in my hopefully clean laundry.
It could mean I was pondering phrasing while writing something out longhand, and I tap-tap-tapped myself while rearranging the words in my head, trying to choose which looked best and sounded better.

Please don't make me have to explain that to the police.

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Pink or purple heart designs on girls toys are a secret symbol for child predators.


Pink and purple hearts have been part of girls toy designs for godonlyknows how long. At least 60 years. Major toy companies have used some form of these designs for decades Are they in a conspiracy with perverts, and have been all these years?  (There are probably those who would say so.)

What if the child predators prefer boys? Some do, y'know,

Buying girls' toys, whether they have purple hearts, pink butterflies, yellow daisies, or anything else symbolic, are by themselves a sign that there is a little girl in the buyers life. Age indicated by product. This is obvious and about as unsecret as it gets.

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Quit worrying about secret meanings.
Worry about common sense.

Posting your child's school and school functions (especially in advance) will do more harm, and put her in more danger, than buying a baby doll with a pink heart.

If your coworker shows up with black eyes, fingerprint bruises or often just moving tenderly, suspect possible abuse and react accordingly. (That is according to your personality and theirs; your circumstances and theirs; and how supportive and involved you are able and willing to be.)

If you find a safety pin, don't be afraid to pin it to your lapel. You might need it if you lose a button.

There are plenty of real symbols, with real not-hidden meanings, like swastikas and burning crosses. Like earthquakes and meteors. Like wars and rumors of war.

We don't need to induce panic with ignorant modern superstition.

The Rhythm

Yesterday's entry was NOT what I meant to write when I started out. It took off in an independent way that surprised even me.
Although, while my fingers were flying and I was wondering what the heck, the words and feelings coming up were true and honest and deeply felt.
That is why I let it stand.

But the faint persistent rhythm I had in mind was the daily rhythm of my life; perhaps my circadian rhythm.

The day begins around 4 when I am finishing up work. Home and playing on the computer, sometimes writing, until 6 or 7, depending on mood, fatigue, and insomnia.
Awake at 8 to make sure Hailey is getting started on getting ready for school. Most days I am mire observer than participant in this ritual, but some days I am fully involved.
Then, if Warren is still sleeping or sleepy, I can get some sleep. Depending on Warren, who loves to play with his mammaw, this can last to anywhere between 10 and 12.
About 2 I start feeling tired again and sometimes can nap, but usually not.
4 is time for Hailey to get home and I try to be awake for that, just so she knows I care.
5 is average suppertime, and time to eat and sleep.
7:15 time to get ready for work, which usually starts at 8.

I have tried to sleep through these days, or sometimes remain awake through them so that I can dramatically collapse at work or in the middle of a store, but I'm a darned failure at that type of self serving drama. The confounded infernal, persistent rhythm takes over and keeps me living my (somewhat boring; somewhat routine) life.

I don't like it.
Don't want it.
But there it is.

No Rhyme, but a Faint Persistent Rhythm

No reason.
No Rhyme.
No sense.

But, through it all, a rhythm persists. The emotional equivalent of a heartbeat. It may be slow and troubled. It may be clamorous. It may be nothing more than there, but it persists.

I watched my husband die. He couldn't breathe anymore, not effectively. But that big ol' strong loving heart of his kept on beating, in spite of everything else in him shutting down.

What a waste that was, once death was inevitable, and of his choosing. (He could have been kept alive, by a machine breathing for him. But being alive and living are two different (too different) things, and if he couldn't live, why remain artificially alive?)

But his heart didn't get that message, and it continued on.

That is where I am, emotionally.
I am worn out,
I am tired.
The joy is gone.
The curiosity us gone.
The drive is gone.

What remains is a beating heart, prolonging the torture of a nonexistent existence.

There is no life support machine for my dying parts (although grandchildren come close) and I'm not so certain I would choose a tethered artificial life anyway. Probably not.

Perhaps there is hope for a cure, or a remission. Some part must think so.
Too bad it isn't a part that knows anything.
Perhaps it is just a reluctance to leave the known for the unknown. Or just wanting to remain where we know love.

Whatever it is, the beat goes on.
Even when there is no hope.

No Reason

I hate my life.

I hate waking up every day.
I hate going through the motions of living life.

I just want to sleep.
I just want to rest.
I just want left.

There's no real reason for this feeling.

It isn't a lack of gratitude or appreciation. There are a lot of things I am grateful for , and there are many things I love about my life.

I have a roof over my head and people who love me.
I have a darling monkey boy who grabs the back of my shirt, pulls himself up my back, and throws his skinny little arms around my neck. Those are the best hugs ever, and I don't think life could give me anything better than that.

I have food and a job and probably more financial freedom right now than I have ever had.

But day after day, I wake up.
And I just don't want to.

I'm tired of it.

Oddservation: My Sister's Voice.

At my work, we have and use towel buckets.
The white towel buckets say in red lettering, "Clean Towels in Sanitizing Solution."
The gray buckets with black lettering say "Soiled Towels"

As is common, on the opposite sides of the buckets the same info is repeated in Spanish.
"Toallas Limpias" and "Toallas Succias"

Limpias I get. Same root word as limpid, meaning clear/transparent.
Succias I don't get. I can't think of any similar word in English. Whatever the root may be, it does make the use of the word "suck" or "sucky" seem reasonable. Just non-English.

The thing is, every time I see these Spanish equivalents on the buckets, I hear my sister.
I hear her say, "Give me one of those limp-ass towels."
I hear her say, "Here's a sucky-ass towel."

Yes, I have a sister who would say that. It's just how she is.

It bothers me sometimes. Her voice ordering my towels and buckets around is not something I need at the end of my working day.

But it's there.

It's Free. Isn't That Enough?

I am a member of several Facebook groups that are buy-sell-trade, and a couple that are free stuff only. Not just because I like finding and getting free stuff, but because I like to give away stuff. I have had so much given to me over the years, usually appropriately to my needs. Even when not, the intention has always been . to somehow help, so it's all good, and I want to return that favor. (Those favors?)

I usually don't have decent stuff to give away. I tend to use things until they fall apart. So, when I do have something to give, it's a big deal to me. And a special joy.


I have posted a few items with what I think are accurate descriptions. And have learned to note : No pictures.
The first thing SOMEONE always asks is "Pictures?"
Well, no. (That would be why it says no pictures.)
I have a family, a job, a life. I am not going to spend my time taking pictures of stuff I am giving away. (Selling, yes. Giving, no.) I don't have an adequate camera, I don't have adequate technical skills, and I don't have time.

You are either in need of a couch or want the bag of shoes, or you don't.

I don't mind questions about the offer. Are there holes? What color? Can I choose which ones I do or don't want?

But the requests for pictures drive me insane. (This may be a personal quirk. I'm fine with that.)

I've seen similar responses on other threads. "Pickup only, mornings, in Mt. Orab. And the other party says "Can you bring this to Batavia at 5 pm?"

Greedy lazy and that almost always adds up to ungrateful. (Not always. Sometimes it's just a matter of not being able to make arrangements. Stay at home single moms with very young, no car, vs third shift worker who also has no car, for example.)

Anyway, either you want or need the item offered or you don't. Don't waste my time, or yours.

It's free.
That should be good enough.

Define Holiday

It's Labor Day weekend.
The beginning of September. The unofficial end of summer. The celebration of the 40 hour work week and paid vacation time.
Time for one last family or neighborhood cookout; one last road trip; one last day of frivol.

Schools, which have been in session for half a hot month already, get a break. Kids have days off to be with their families and join in the fun.

Or do they?

In spite of the holiday, there are track meets and football games and who knows what all events. Buses and teams and roadtrips are now part of the experience. Labor Day is no holiday for parents, it seems. Life remains the same old same old hauling kids here, there, and in between. Parents have to work with schedules and timetables and agendas.
Children, freed from school for  long weekend, have to go to school,
They have to participate in school related events. (Or lose their standing and/or eligibility.)

Excuse me, schools and boards of education.
What constitutes a holiday in your eyes?
What makes a holiday weekend different for your students; what makes it a holiday?

Now, I have no objection to places that work on the holidays. At least, for the most part, they are being honest.

But I do object to the school's use of the holiday weekend where they say "Have a holiday, and we'll see you back here in three hours. And again tomorrow."

Of course, the actual holiday itself is Monday. The weekend is not the holiday.
Except, of course, for the families that have one last summer weekend planned.

That is, if their children aren't robbed of the time.

(un)Safety Seats

My grandson turned two and it's time for a sitting-up-and-facing-forward car set. Yay!  Big boy!

So, we went looking for one. Those things can be expensive, but if you shop around, you can get a good deal.
We found one at Kroger's for a bit more than $50.
Yay us, right?

You would think.

But the damn seat has no straps.
No child restraints.
Except for what is provided by a seat belt fitted into specific slots.

No child restraints?  No five point harness?
For a TWO YEAR OLD?
Are you kidding me?

Two year olds are escape artists. That's one of their main talents at that age. The only way to make them stay in one place is to make that a place they aren't supposed to go. Even that won't keep them in the place. They'll just run in and out if there's nothing to stop them.

I put Little Guy in this fancy rigged up strapped in properly car seat with no harness. He was throwing himself across the back seat before I reached the road.

Now, they want us to put our kids in these cumbersome, heavy, huge contraptions to the point of big-brother governing. They make laws for the parents and grandparents and anyone who transports a kid. You must do this and have that and it is such a complicated procedure that fire departments and police stations often have classes and inspections so parents can get it right.

But now the manufacturers are being allowed to market unsafe seats for 2 year olds.

No, I'm nor taking it back. The manufacturers are being allowed to promote and sell car seats that are unfit for their stated purpose.

Beware, Parents. When your monkey climbs out of his secured car seat and flies through the air, who do you think is going to be suffering the costs, physical, mental, and emotional? Who will be ticketed for not having the child secured, even though all instructions were followed?

It's not going to be the makers -- law makers or seat makers.

Parents, please do not buy car seats without harnesses for your active little monkeys.
Just  DO NOT BUY.
They are not safe.
They are ridiculously expensive.

I will note that with some of these car seats the safety harness can be purchased separately and self-installed.
Hell, I can hardly figure out the way to adjust existing straps, let alone put them in from scratch.
What a waste.
Of time and money.

For now, I purchased an old style sit up car seat at a yard sale. This isn't really a good option for very much longer, as these seats are usually used until the expiration rime. It's my hope that by the time it expires, Warren will be more car trained and can graduate to a seat belt only seat (although I still have doubts about the child safety)
If not, I may trust an expired with harness a lot more than brand new and unsafe from the box.

Bugging Your Trees, Part 2

Now for my opinion. My uneducated, unresearched, untested;trusted;verified opinion.

It doesn't matter.

What you do, what the government does, what the experts do. None of it matters.

Nature does what nature does.

Insects and other pests have been catching rides on driftwood or pine cones for millennia. The fact that more of them are migrating faster only means that we ourselves are going farther faster. Who are we to object to other species doing the same thing, just because we don't like it.


Seriously, look at the waves and ways these invaders are coming in and popping up. If it's not one thing, it's another. For some reason, Nature is devouring our hardwoods.

And look again at the locations of the problems. Here in the USA, the heaviest concentrations of invasive beetles and such are in the areas known loosely as the "Great Lakes Regions"

Doesn't that make anyone think "Hmmm?"

My opinion is that these insects have been sent from God, Mother Nature, Father Time, Mother Earth -- whatever -- to taste and test and winnow out the weakest of the hardwoods. The delicious of the deciduous.

Why would this happen?
Climate change, people. Climate change. The Great Lakes were carved by Great Glaciers, or so we've been told. Te glaciers contained the seeds and roots and things of the trees that grew once the ice retreated -- the Earth reseeding after receding.

But first, the trees that remain to be regrown must have survived. They must be the least tasty, the less weak, the best of the best. Surviving the Ice takes strength and stamina. What better way to show that than by surviving an infectious infestation?


Whether my speculation has any basis or not, the governments interference in what may well be nature's preparedness can still have disastrous results. As many areas of Massachusetts and Ohio and Illinois can show you, the government solution has mainly turned forests into swamps. Removing multiple varieties of trees for whatever reason has damaged the ecology of the ares, There are no tree leaves and branches to capture rainwater to hold snowfall above the ground. There are no root systems to hold the ground in place, and with each rain-shower or snow-melt, the dirt becomes mud, becomes mire, becomes a marsh.

Let nature take its course. Nature has been managing the ecosystems here for longer than we can imagine. Everything happens for a reason.
And the most spectacular ecological failures have been caused by our efforts to fix the unbroken, to make Nature to do our bidding.
As we ourselves are a part of creation -- same as the bugs, beetles, and bacteria -- we really aren't helping.
We may not be that much of a hindrance, in the long run.

Nature does as nature does.

But I would rather enjoy the trees while we can, before they go away naturally.