Welcome Armaggedon

I think it is time.
The world should end.
For all of us.

The only reason I can't end my own world is because I can't inflict that pain on Hailey. I can't even wish for my world to end, because I can't inflict that pain on Hailey.

But if the world itself came to an end, Hailey would be there, too.
No pain for her, whatever there might be in the next world.

If there is such a thing.

She could see her Mammaw Candy
She could run and laugh and play with her Pappaw. She could hold his hand and they could walk to the park together.
Something she has wished for.

And Warren, he could get to know his Pappaw. The man he brought smiles to, the man who had him laughing. The man he called first "a-a" and then "yaya" while now, months later, none of us have names yet.
The man who lit up when the boy was put in his arms.
The light of love and the light of happiness.
Laughter is oh so much that same light.


For myself, I want NOTHING.
Rest and peace and nothing.

I am broken.
I have been broken for a very long time.
I have been broken so long that I doubt I can be fixed.

Those that would fix me can't; those that could fix me (maybe) won't.

And it really doesn't matter.

But if the world were to end, the whole world, we could all be NOT sorry, NOT guilty, NOT alone;abandoned;hurting.


But, for now, the world goes on.
There will be yet another endless tomorrow.
And another.

If only there were fewer if onlys

Sometimes it seems, even to me, that I accomplish less than I am capable of because I spend too much time on seeing what can't be done. If only I had more time, if only I had more money, if only the rest-of-the-world would cooperate with me and my needs. If only this, if only that.

I don't let my children get away with that, not for very long. I tell them, "You have to think of a way around that." I tell them, "There has to be a way." I say, "I know you can figure it out. But you have to be the one to do it."

We are all wrapped up in our own if-onlys. An obstacle for one person is a piece of cake for another. But just because they can do X doesn't mean they can do Y. Personality, social skills, necessity all have a part in each small success.

I like to think that when I am if-onlying, that it means I am actively engaged in thinking my way in, out of, around, and through a problem, whatever its nature. Usualy that is what's going on in my head. I bring it up in conversation, in writing, bevause it is occupying my mind ad I wrestle with the components of the If-only.

I can see, though, where it may not look like that to outsiders.
I can see where it may look like "There she goes, whining again." I can see that it can appear to be the worst kind of self-pity.

When someone brings up the same subject, over and over again, don't assume they are asking for your help in any pjysical sense. Unless that's what they are asking for, of course.If you don't want to get any more involved, don't be afraid to ay that you don't want to go into that; you have nothing new to contribute. Those of us who wrestle with demons or ideas often don't realize how single-minded we can be. We also may not remember if we discussed this with you before, or at what stage. No honest thought-wrangler is going to hold it against you that your thought-world isn't theirs.

If only can be an exvuse. If only definitely can describe limitations.
But keep listening, because "if only" can also mean "what do you think?" and there isn
 no greater compliment than having someone actually listening to what you think.

If only there were more people like that.