Don't Know; Not Sure I Care Much

 I don't know what's wrong with me. 

i can't sleep and I can't stay awake. I lie in my recliner day and night like a giant sloth. I do very little, and nothing holds my interest. I usually read or write or work puzzles or do some kind of busyness. But it seems to be too much work to hold up a book, or to hold up my blob of a body and type or write.

It's definitely asking a lot of myself to do dishes or sweep the floors. Or go to the store.

Or put things away.

Or anything besides  nothing, as I wait for the next round of sleep to bless me with unawareness.

Yes, this all sounds like the old demon Depression. I'm already drugging that and it's been working. Or I thought it was. 

Anyway, I don't think that's the problem, but that particular demon can be a great deceiver.

This feels different. I don't really know how to explain it, but it feels like a metabolic malfunction. But when I see doctors, there is nothing provably wrong with me. Everything is testing out fine, and within my established norms. 

I try to keep myself busy, which is quite a trick when doing nothing. When I have plans, when I can help, I do so, with pleasure. 

And I really, really really wish I could go for a long walk on these quiet nights. 

But I can't.

I Lost Yesterday

I lost yesterday.
I slept through it, for the most part.

I did wake up and eat, at some point.
Went to the bathroom and stuff like that.

But -- I woke up when the alarm went off.
I thought it was the 10 am alarm, so I got up and took my morning mrdicine, and picked up the phone to turn the alarm off. I had a lot of notifications, but Sundays can be like that sometimes.

I puttered around doing the waking up stuff, and turned on the TV, and it was there that I first noticed the time.

It wasn't 10 am. It was 7 pm.

What?
How did that happen?
I remembered the night before, going to bed about eight and waking up around 10, or maybe it was 2. I don't really pay attention to the time, unless I'm looking for something on the TV. I didn't do that this time. I did push the button for the TV, but it didnt matter what was on the tv. It made quiet noise so I wasn't hearing the sounds my ears make when on their own.

I drifted back off to sleep.

And didn't wake up until 7 pm?
So weird.

And its the second time this week I time-warped.

I managed it better this time.
I guess experience counts?

Loved the Rain, And You

I've always loved the rain, and sharing it with you.

The opening lines of a complete regretful eulogy of a song, complete with instrumentation and a wistful familiarity.I had the whole song, as I sat on the porch watching it storm and missing Tammy.

Yes, I know. I keep going back to that.
It was important.
It was something to look forward to.

And something that never happened.

I doubt I will ever realize it's raining again without that thought.
If you knew Tammy, you'd know.

Anyway, the song.
It was so familiar, and so wrong, but right at the same time.
Loving the rain, and enjoying it, and sharing it. The storms, lightning flashing, thunder booming or rolling.
The rain slanting down.
The clean smell of it, even those first soured minutes onto hot pavement in the heat of a summer afternoon.
Walking along under the trees.
Laughing at children running into and out of shelter, laughing, not knowing if they liked it or not.
But laughing at Mommy and Mammaw playing, dancing, jumping in the rain with them.

In and Out, In and Out, a tapestry (tap dance?) of rain and laughter and love. Every stitch, every step a part of a larger, joyous pattern.

And the Music stops and the pictures of what was, what is, and what will now never be stops also, frozen in a moment -- ah, but such a lot of moments! -- forever.
And the rain forever falling, and the laughter, and we, too, are falling and floating with it, because it is what it is, and we both loved it then, and love it still.


It was in a dream, so I lost a lot of the words when I woke up, but they've come back to me, a line or two at a time.
As yet, I can't put them in order.
Maybe someday...

The familiarity bothered me.
And I found the song.

https://youtu.be/ixa7-EG0YhE

See what I mean about it being both wrong and right?
And even if I do remember my words to the music, I'll not be able to use them, except privately, which seems almost a shame.  The music belongs to someone else, and most of the words. And I'm not someone to go begging for exemption from copyright infringement. That's a big deal.

Ah well.
It's one thing I know I did right, loving the rain, and sharing it with you.
Now you can ride the clouds, up and down,  in an eternal bonding with your beloved rain.
Enjoy, my pluvial Pisces.

Two Weeks In

Two weeks ago, My 32 year year old daughter died.
She had an unidentified rapidly spreading cancer.

She wasn't even sick.
She had back pain and leg swelling.
She worked on her feet eight or ten or twelve hours a night, five or six nights a week, overnights at McDonald's for approximately 10 years.
Of course her back hurt.
Of course her leg(s) swelled.

These are the same symptoms that forced me out of work, despite an extended medical leave for rest and treatment.


Her daughter was 80 days from her 12th birthday.
Already taller than her mother (and grandmother), already more curvy, a good artist, largely self-taught and still self-teaching.
She made her mother so happy.
She made her mother laugh.
She made her smile.


Her son turned 7 the day she was admitted into the hospital.
They had his party on Saturday, his birthday would be Sunday.
By midnight, by Sunday, by his actual birthday, she was in the hospital.
He would not see her in person again.
He, too made her laugh and smile and play, and just beam with happiness.

She was so pleased with her kids even when they frustrated her. That was part of the fun, part of the job, part of the love.
The largest part of her reason for existing, for working her legs off.

He would not see her again.
Hailey would not see her again.
I would not see her again.

She died in a local, neighborhood hospital, with no final hugs from her kids, no good-bye from her mother, no farewells of any sort from the rest of the extended family, who tried to organize a parking lot banners-and-waves for her.

She did not die alone. On the last day, they finally allowed her husband to be with her, and he was there for her.

He was there for her, holding her as she left us, helping her to ease into the long good-bye that she couldn't bring herself to acknowledge.
He, better than anyone, could get her to face hard facts, to admit to hard truths.

He. too. is way too young to be facing this, and left with these bereft children while his own being is split into parts, as if an amputation. If Hailey was 80 days from her 12th, he was 78 or 76 (sorry, cant remember the day right now) days from his 31st.
Too young.

They have been part of one another for over a quarter century. They had been a couple for more than half their lives.

He is handling it in the ages old way: One task, one chore, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Me, I guess I'm handling it the same way, but I wonder.
It just seems too damn big to be true.
Too crazy.
Too wild.
Too fictional.

I'd like to think this is one of my crazy story-telling dreams, but I know it is not.
I'd like to think this is an alternate reality, and somewhere she's sending me a text or pictures of the kids, but I know it isn't and I know she's not.
She just isn't.

Even if there were to be an alternate reality, that isn't where I am.
Although it remains where she isnt.

I wake up between 3:30 and 4 every morning, if I sleep at all.
That is when she would be getting off work and we would talk, text, chat, and often meet. Usually across the street at Kroger's store, just before they opened.

I want to show her things from my house, I want to share jokes about tv shows and brief flurries of arguments about songs, and ...

Well, if you've lost someone, you know.
If you haven't, you can't know.

Tammy, oh Tammy.
I miss you so.

Just one Second...

"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."




This is the second amendment to the Constitution.

As you can see, it is not wordy, nor does it go into in-depth detail.




The details are available, for anyone who cares to look. The Founding Fathers were verbose men, and not only did they use words, they refused to mince those words. They meant what they meant.

There are letters.
There are recorded (on paper) debates.




"A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state"

What is a free state?

What must a state be free of or from?

A free state is one where its citizens makes its laws, makes its decisions, and decides on the details of everyday living.

A free state is NOT a police state.

A free state is not a subject to a nation. It is a part of one, by consent of the citizens.




What is security, in a free state?

Being able to live a life is a good start.

Family, home, job, friends, income, knowledge, and the ability to come and go freely sound as if they may it that description.




I'll leave "well-regulated" alone. That has been, and continues to be the most debated part of the amendment.

Regulated in what ways? By laws? By common practices? By individuals' rights?

Who is to say? Who says who gets to say?

It has always been a contentious point, and I believe that is why those words were deliberately chosen and placed at the front of the amendment.




The last words are "shall not be infringed."

Infringement.

Regulated.
Are these words opposites? Are they synonyms? How? Why?




The heart of the issue, in the center of the amendment is "the right of the people to keep and bear arms."

This is also the heart of the controversy.




I am not a gun person.

I think having guns in every home and every vehicle is (if you will) overkill. I don't think they are necessary in daily life, and I do think they are dangerous to daily life.




I am, however, a believer in the Constitution, and in the intents of the Bill Of Rights.


The times we are living in are proving the wisdom of our Freedom Founding Fathers in creating this amendment, and the clever wording they used.

The right of the people to keep and bear arms, so that no government can overpower them. So that no organized troops may overwhelm them.

The right of the state with its well-regulated militia, so that no national government can overpower them. So that no national troops can overwhelm them.

These are the rights that are not to be infringed upon, both at the local state government level, and also for individuals.




But individuals don't need assault weapons, you may say.

Do police need those? Why?




You can bet, if the city police or the national guard marches down my street shooting at my homes, businesses, neighbors, and children, I want myself or my defenders to be equally if not better armed than they are.

That is the intent of the amendment. That government must not be better armed than the citizenry.

How will you defend yourself against the assault weapons?

How will you defend against the National Guard?

Where the hell are the Constitutional STATE militias meant to defend their neighbors and friends?

no Quit in That Girl : david saved her from herself one more time

From Dave Ruhstaller: Tan is being set up for continuous dialysis she has a been passing any water or fluids for a little bed so they're gonna do A-line and do continuous dialysis as of the CT scan done a bit ago to do the dialysis, it shows that her kidneys have failed. The IVC as been strangled by her lymph nodes. and is and has shut down a few other organs. tam is not going to last the next few days. shes on a ventilator, they cannot dialyze her blood. her time is anything from a few hours to a day or so. they asked to hard ones, and she is now DNR. do not resuscitate. there is nothing that can be, no treatment options. her comfort and not prolonging her suffering is the only thing to do now. + I'm on my way up there to the hospital add that to it and that's where I'll be until until it happens 5/21/2020 approx 1030pm, Tammy passed away. because of the advanced state of her cancer, her lymph nodes cut off circulation to her kidneys by cinching the IVC. which feeds blood to the organs and her lower half. this evening before i made the decision to make her comfortable, and let her pass rather than let her suffer kidney and organ failure while on life support. She went in her sleep, loved and held as tight as i could.

24 hours later

So.  They will be moving Tam either to Anderson or Christ.   They still have not been able to get any good samples to identify type. But whatever it is,  it's late stage 4.
They want to start treatment but The wrong treatment could be worse than no treatment.  (I could argue that point with one word. How?)

Will know more after David meets with oncologist.  There was,  I think, (but I'm not sure) some mention of her seeing the kids before anything else happens.

To anyone wondering, Tammy told us,  while still competent,  that she IS going to fight this thing.  She has held to that decision even when not mentally composed.
That has been her expressed wish to any and every person it's been discussed with,  so far as I know.

Her family is following her directives,  even if  they haven't been formalized. (again an area where I am an outsider. )

SO much B.S.

Yesterday the governor of Ohio made an announcement That they were easing up on restrictions and allowing more places, more businesses to be doing more things and allowing more people.


This in general was met with sighs of relief -- as well as a lot of finger-crossing. People in situations like ours were hopeful but not convinced.

Once again, there was nothing specific or detailed about hospitals and other health care facilities.
But surely, if other, unprepped places are less restricted, those places with precautions and prohibitives already in place as a matter of business would also be doing so.

Wouldn't they?

And then this happened.


This came directly from my daughter's husband, David Ruhstaller, after we both received phone calls at 3 am. He went in response to the phone call. Forgive any spelling or syntax errors -- this was written under/during great duress.
(I stayed with the children.)

From Dave Ruhstaller:
I got a call a little bit ago from monarch meadows saying that Tam has been sent to Adam's regional medical center for low blood oxygen levels and basically being incoherent and borderline unresponsive at times Upon arrival I was given the run around about seeing your wife they had me do the normal thing of putting her information in signing for her and had me wait and lobby for 25 minutes or so before I even talked to a nurse and before I talk to that nurse to Japanese word called in to see if I was going to be a problem because while I was doing Tams information they said we can't let you back there so I don't know what we can do I said like funk I'm not going to see my wife apparently that stared them enough to have through deputies come out while I was standing at the door waiting to be led back to see Tam After a few minutes of talking with them I was led back to see Tam for maybe 10 minutes at most before they pulled me out and put me outside so they can put the said drawing in her hack she basically can't speak she's incoherent I don't even know what she's saying. After going outside a deputy tells me that I should sit in my course so I'm at least close by and that if they were to requested he would have to eject me from the property because me being back there can cost someone their job to which I responded I'm sorry their job is more important than being with my wife before she goes
Now I'm sitting up here in the parking lot and every 20 or so minutes a deputy comes role in through here to make sure I'm still in my car

Who's Ruling the Hospitals?

There is a distinct divide in policy and opinion over who is running what and how during this pandemic.
There is an immense schism in communication.

If you ask the hospital (or nursing home, or rehab center, etc) if they are allowing visitors, they say No. Not Yet.

If you ask when they will be, they say that that is up to the government.

If you ask the government offices, they say that that is up to the discretion of the institutions. They are, to some degree, making their own decisions.

If you tell the gov people that the health office people say its not up to them, but to the government, the gov people say, "Oh, they've just misunderstood."

Well, whose job is it to make them understand?
Whose responsibility is it to clear up communication problems?
Who (else) do I have to call to get an answer other than "somebody else"?

I don't mind, really, that there are rules.
I don't even mind that the rules, by necessity, are rather loose as far as dates and times and such.

I do mind that the government offices are uniformly giving one type of answer, and the health institutes are giving a completely opposite answer.

I have talked to different levels of government.
I have called toll-free ask-a-question numbers.
I have called automated numbers, left an automated message and received an automated response.

I have called, just to see, different types of medical establishments.
Just to see what differences different types of places with different goals and priorities were doing differently.

I got the same types of answers from the two categories.

Who do I have to talk to to be able to see my daughter before she (probably) dies?

I'm NOT the only one wondering.

I am asking for all of us.

Does anyone have an answer?

Do It NOW

Don't wait.

This was going to be the summer things got right for Tammy and her family.
This was going to be the summer we'd be able to do day trips and weekend getaways. There would be time (carefully arranged) and money (little, but enough)

And then the world shut down.

But before the world shut down, my daughter, 32 years old, mother of two, went to the hospital because she could no longer stand the pain in her back and the swelling in her leg.


She was admitted on March 29, her son's 7th birthday.

Her last day home.

We have not seen her since.

We will probably not see her again. Ever.

Barring a miracle, which could happen but by its nature is unlikely.

She has no diagnosis, no treatment, no prognosis of her disease.

The labs are backed up and all their efforts are fighting this coronavirus. EVERY other ailment, illness, or disorder has been shoved aside.

Now, I understand that it is a "good of the many" situation, and the many are, and should be the priority in an impersonal way, but I'm having a hard time understanding why everything else is being shoved into a corner, swept under the carpet, etc.



THERE WILL BE NO DAY TRIPS as a Family.
No weekend getaways.

Not with her; not for her.

If you have a healthy child, hug her.
I can't.

If you have a beautiful daughter, fill your eyes with her.
I can't.

If she's talking and driving you nuts, going on and on -- listen to her.
I can't.
My daughter can no longer speak.

It's been six weeks, barely, and my girl has vanished from my life.

From her husband's life. (But not really. He still has the burden of decisions when they will need to be made.)

From her children's lives.
Need I say more?




So, if you can, follow up on those plans. Do IT. Go THERE.
You may not get another chance.