Do It NOW

Don't wait.

This was going to be the summer things got right for Tammy and her family.
This was going to be the summer we'd be able to do day trips and weekend getaways. There would be time (carefully arranged) and money (little, but enough)

And then the world shut down.

But before the world shut down, my daughter, 32 years old, mother of two, went to the hospital because she could no longer stand the pain in her back and the swelling in her leg.


She was admitted on March 29, her son's 7th birthday.

Her last day home.

We have not seen her since.

We will probably not see her again. Ever.

Barring a miracle, which could happen but by its nature is unlikely.

She has no diagnosis, no treatment, no prognosis of her disease.

The labs are backed up and all their efforts are fighting this coronavirus. EVERY other ailment, illness, or disorder has been shoved aside.

Now, I understand that it is a "good of the many" situation, and the many are, and should be the priority in an impersonal way, but I'm having a hard time understanding why everything else is being shoved into a corner, swept under the carpet, etc.



THERE WILL BE NO DAY TRIPS as a Family.
No weekend getaways.

Not with her; not for her.

If you have a healthy child, hug her.
I can't.

If you have a beautiful daughter, fill your eyes with her.
I can't.

If she's talking and driving you nuts, going on and on -- listen to her.
I can't.
My daughter can no longer speak.

It's been six weeks, barely, and my girl has vanished from my life.

From her husband's life. (But not really. He still has the burden of decisions when they will need to be made.)

From her children's lives.
Need I say more?




So, if you can, follow up on those plans. Do IT. Go THERE.
You may not get another chance.

From Tammy's Husband.

For those who are not in the know. i am getting a lot of questions that i keep getting wound up answering over and over again.


Tammy is in hospital, and has been for a bit over a month.

initially because of her leg swelling and anomalous blood work.

that was determined to be a set of lymph nodes swelling. at first things didn't seem too outta place. but to be sure further testing was done...
a few biopsies, a battery of tests, then moved a few times.
Its determined that Tam has a cancer that developed in her lung/s, liver, thyroid, pelvis, and to an extent, lower spine. As well as the lymph nodes in those areas. it has been very aggressive, and her oncologist is not optimistic.
put simply, Shes dying.
Its progressed so fast that it's outpacing the tests and the results. It went from swelling in her leg and anomalous blood work, to her current condition inside of a month. And they still don't know what kind it is. so treatment is not happening right now. On top of being alone the whole time and results delayed from labs due to this sars2 horse shit. so the process is slowed down and the odds are stacked against her.
she is at Cleremont mercy in the efforts to fight it. but is awaiting diagnosis from DNA testing on the biopsy from her liver.
then her treatment can start.
she needs her rest and is medicated. so she doesn't want to be blown up. and calling isn't really an option as her ability to speak and be heard is seriously hindered.


I'm putting this up here because there is a lot of questions and a lot who want to be kept in the loop. updates will come as they are available.

my Tammy

Tammy has cancer. Everywhere. She has only been ill since March 29. Today we discussed -- over the phone because quarantine -- how to treat her final days. They have not been able to identify the type of cancer, and the way it is running through her, IF they do get the chance, it will most likely be too late for any effective treatment. Practically, it probably already is too late. She has cancer in her spine, her pelvis, her thyroid -- she can no longer swallow --and in her lungs and her liver. She is starting a pneumonia which is probably from aspirating something. She is hallucinating and not always all there mentally. She is currently in Clermont hospital for the pneumonia. The plan is once that is taken care of, she will come home. I can only hope it happens, because they are still allowing no visitors and oh my god we dont want her to die alone.

What Is Essential?

Once, the things that were essential were as obvious as they were hard to come by. Water, food, shelter, heat, clothing, family.

Now, and for a long time,it has taken more than a cave or a few trees, a river, and a garden to provide these things. As we have learned to live with more people in less space, our essential needs have to be provided by others. Food is shipped, water is piped, fuel is distributed, clothes are made elsewhere, and the people we live among may be complete strangers who behave, well, strangely.

With a pandemic going on, many places have shut down all non-essential services.

If you go driving through our towns and cities, you see very few businesses that have actually closed. Those businesses are likely to be privately owned, personally run largely unstaffed family-owned businesses.
Some families last desperate attempt at continued survival in a world where someone else is in charge of supplying the necessities.

All the businesses are essential to someone. 
All stores have a niche market for their goods; all food places have a demographic, all shops have a clientele.

But do all the dollar stores need to be open? (Yes, if you want/need inexpensive goods while unemployed or working reduced hours.)
Does every McDonald's need to be open, when sitting on a strip of road that also has Wendy's, Arby's, White Castle, Skyline , and others, all sitting nicely in a row just waiting to feed the hungry?  (People still need to eat, and there are many people who cannot or will not cook, for whatever reasons. And why should Wendy's ask McDonalds to be the one that closes, the one that loses during this type of a shutdown? Who chooses, if not the customers?)

Do crafting and hobby shops and hardware stores and home improvement centers need to be open? (Yes, if you need to keep people occupied and busy. Yes if you need home repairs done, if something needs fixed.)

And the truth is, this fierce competition to be needed has in many cases and in many places prevented the price gouging that so often comes with shutdowns.
Lord knows, there are people who went our and created a false demand -- or at least, a false lack of supply -- for specific products.

But, because we do have good supply chains and ingenuity, those people are now stuck with their greedy proceeds and no outlet for them.
And it is the competitive  services that are, for the most part, holding prices steady.

There are some businesses that are non-essential except in some circumstances, for some people. Many of these, such as beauty salons have adapted. If you really need to be beautified, you can usually find a place that will make an appointment just for you, or for a select few. And whether the need is physical (perhaps a skin scrub to prevent acne that becomes infected) or mental (sometimes you want to stab that ugly person in the mirror), it is still a need.

But who gets to decide if you're on the brink of collapse or not? Who gets the right to tell you you have to be unkempt another day?

Who should be deciding who can work and who must close, when there are several places offering the same products and services, and equally as important, providing price controls?

It seems that someone should be, yet why should any one body wield that kind of power? 
That isn't right.

I don't know the answer, especially in these small world, big city days.
In small towns, in villages and hamlets and crossroads, if there are competitive services, maybe they could take turns. Mondays for McDonald, Wednesday for Wendy's. But they -- the business owners, the chambers of commerce, the 'ruling agencies' -- would need to be scrupulously fair, and that could be difficult in ordinary circumstances. It is certainly an extraordinary chore when face to face meetings and around the table handshakes and smiles, nodding heads, etc are not part of the conflict resolution.

No, I don't know the answer.

I just wish someone(s) did.

Constantly Changing.

The situation with this coronavirus (COVID-19) changes every day. If there isn't always new news, there are always new rumors.

Always.

2 days ago , gastric symptoms were added to the cases of the infection.

1 day ago, it was suggested that pinkeye (conjunctivitis) may be becoming yet another manifestation of this illness.

There have been rumors from the beginning about pets (dogs especially) having and spreading the virus. People have been dumping and abandoning their dogs in record numbers, (shame on them) although there has been, as yet, no proof of truth to this rumor.

I did see one item about the first case diagnosed in a dog. It was a reputable source, but it was one source only. No confirmation, no accreditation, and no spread of information. I am also unable now to find the original article, so it may have been pulled.

It's easy, and possibly optimistic, to think these reports are being inflated by the politicians and spread by the mindless media. Every time it starts to look as if we're getting a handle on this thing -- some kind of control -- here they come with another wave of hysteria and histrionics.

But let's take a minute.

Let's think a minute.

What if this rapid mutation and constant adaptation is what first had the specialists watching it so closely to start with?

What if the viral infectious disease as first noticed was never the reason or the problem?

What if it was the mutability?

What if it was the adaptation?

What if it's been the possibility of it becoming that is what the WHO (World Health Organization) first noticed, and they alerted the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and just said "Watch this. Look what it is doing."?  

What if those organizations said the same to the governments they answer to, and said governments said "Meh. It's another flu."

And the WHO and CDC are saying, but look, watch out, and no one would do that?

This virus has already crossed species.

If the unsubstantiated dog story was true, or the rumors, then it has once again crossed species.

This virus already accelerated (mutated) from an upper respiratory infection into a pneumonia.

This virus has adapted from the respiratory system to the digestive system.

This virus is destroying senses. Loss of taste and smell are becoming more common reports. Not a big deal, on its own. Those senses are affected by colds, so maybe it's been there all along.

Or maybe not.

Now the theory exists that the eyes may be affected by yet another adaptation.

Is that a move into the central nervous system?

Could it be a move into the brain itself?

One thing is for certain. This particular coronavirus is a survivor. It's doing everything to keep itself alive and reproducing. 

And that is why we are having to both observe and avoid it. 

And let us hope we have a reasonable population that can out-mutate it.

We will survive. 

(Probably)

But there may be many who do not adapt to this before it adapts to us.

Pandemic Pandemonium

In just two weeks, our world has rearranged and changed. Priorities are different. They have become, as it has not been for a few decades, about survival itself.

There is a plague. Not THE literal plague, but a plague just the same. Global governments are doing a balancing act between shutting down and taking over. Some are doing well; others not so much, but they are trying.

A lot of people don't "believe" in this illness, named COVID-19. It is being caused by a coronavirus that has a few different names. SARS2; novel coronavirus are the two that come to mind.

"They" are saying now that the illness has been around; that they were warned. Most of the population doesn't believe this.

The general public doubts the reality of COVID-19. They doubt the death rate -- flu kills more by percentage. An ill person is more likely to have a cold than a corona. The media is spreading hysteria. The states and cities are in on a conspiracy. The disease has been around since November, only no one knew it. It wasn't bad then; so it can't be that bad now.

I agree with some of these thoughts.
But do you know what?
It doesn't matter.

At this point, it doesn't matter.

Hysteria or conspiracy, the only way we are going to get out of this is by complyng. It can be a reluctant compliance. It can be a rebellious compliance. It can even be malicious compliance.

But the sooner everyone -- and I mean every single one of us -- complies, the sooner the conspirators will be disarmed and there will be no need for spreading propaganda.

If there is disease, it will be stopped in its tracks.
If there is no disease, they will be stopped in their tracks.

Please.
I want to see my grandchildren.
I want my grandson to have a fantabulous birthday party. (not gonna happen)
I want to go to the store and buy hamburger and toilet paper.
I want to walk in the parks and along the streets and be able to stop and speak to people I know and those I don't. Yet.

We have the power to end this.
By doing what we are asked, before it becomes what we are told.
By closing the doors of our homes from the inside, before they are closed for us from the outside.

Let's stop this illness in its tracks.
Let us defang and declaw it.
Let it starve to death for lack of fresh victims.

If it's not real, no one will be harmed.
If it is real, many may be saved.

Let us pause in the race for the dollar.
Let us pause in being best, first, leader, boss.
Let us become ourselves.
Let us enjoy ourselves.
Together.

KILL THE CORONA!

But I knew That...

Life sucks.

People suck.
Even the ones we rely on. Haha. They are the first to tell you you deserve the shit and throw in abot of name calling too.

Technology sucks.
It changes too fast and it keeps getting more automated and there are no checks and balances for the inhuman.


I am seeing a lot of memes and posts (*inspirational* haha) about what would you tell your self from ten years ago, or your 15 year old self, or reflective issues like that.

Sadly, grievingly, I have the same answer for them all.

End it Now.

Don't Wait.

It does NOT get better.

While there are moments -- good wonderful moments that should be cherished -- that are cherished -- the truth is that those moments are the biggest brightest lies. Like the brightest stars in the sky are the shooting stars.
Tis their death that brings the brilliance.

If you want to shine, die.


As a parent, I have failed. I did not give them a better life. I did not give them tools for making a better life. I failed them. I did not teach them how to have and sustain a loving relationship. How and why that didn't work, I don't know, but it (didn't) happen.

As a worker, I worked until I couldn't anymore, and am now useless.

As a writer -- ah, there you may think I did okay. I did better than many. I wrote.
and wrote.
and wrote.

I even saved a lot of it.

On floppy disks.
You know, like no computer still existing anywhere is ever able to read.

I saved some stuff on the cloud.
The cloud blew away.
I should say the cloudSSS blew away, because I've had to do a new cloud account with every computer crash.
And with every computer replacement, there is no way (that I can find) to access former computer cloud accounts.

so, I will wait, as I have been waiting all my life.
waiting to no longer have to wait.

What WILL I do with my time?

Bad day; Sad Day

This day just passing has been a bad, sad, discombobulated day.
I don't know why it's sad, but it is.
That's how it feels.
How it has felt.
All day long.
All afternoon.
All evening.
All night.

It was a thousand little "if anything could go wrong it will" day.
Nothing big; nothing ruinous; nothing disastrous.
Lost keys; forgot something at the store; every red light in town; trip over own feet; power strip stops working; internet goes out; etc.

Just one of those days.

It would be unremarkable if not for the sadness that seems to be in the very pores of the day.

I've tried analyzing. The sadness isn't the melancholy of depression.
It isn't the loss of any one or any thing. Thank God.
It isn't the aftermath of anger or argument.
It isnt because of rain all day -- that's a YAY! for spring is coming.

But, it has still been a bad, sad day.

Here's to the new day and new timing being a glad fab day.

My Verizon Isn't Mine.

My phone died.
It started getting hot, then hotter, until it wouldn't come on. Until it left a char mark on the cardboard I use for a mousepad.
So I bought another phone thinking to change the number over to the new phone.


This is where the nightmare begins.
First, I'm to get on a computer and sign onto my myverizon account.
I never set up a myverizon account; never needed to. Did everything through the phone; in reply to messages and such.


Next, I tried calling. Talk to someone; they do this all the time. Easy-peasy, right?
I pity the ignorance. Especially my own.


They -- the automated system -- no real people with brains and fingers and such -- want the PIN for my old phone.
Yeah, no PIN. I used a diagram/design thing for unlocking the phone and such. No numbers.


Okay, we'll go through Google. Whats your email, and then again, a PIN.
I don't have a PIN. I have a password. A password will not work. It needs to be numerical.


Also, it never got to this point, but the phone was set up using a different google account. Tam couldn't remember my address so sje made up a new one. A few password changes and attempts to link accounts, and I finally DID succeed in linking the two google accounts and getting my phone to get email and notices from my 'real' google account.
In my mind, the next roadblock will be/would be needing password to the made-up-for-the-occasion account. I have no clue. Haven't needed it for about a year for anything.


And, oh yes, any time you try to get to talk to a person, the automated system says that that is a wrong choice (I forget the exact words) and disconnects the call.


There's a Verizon store here in Mt Orab. It's mainly for selling contracts, but I may go and see if they can help me. Probably not; they already have a reputation for being NOT helpful unless you are contracting through them.


There's a Verizon owned Verizon store somewhere -- I think where Beechmont Mall used to be, or maybe at Eastgate. No, it would be too easy and simple for me if it were to be at Eastgate. Anyway, I'm not sure where it is. And I'm not sure if I'd even want to drive there on a weekend.

I am at the mercy of the robots

Old is New

Being old is a new thing. At least, being this old at this young an age. There are plenty of people living the dream of 60 being the new 40.
Lucky them.

Me, at not quite 62. I feel more like 82. Some days maybe even 102. I envy those 'young' people. I always thought I'd be one of them.

I thought walking would keep me young(er) forever.

And then it kept getting more and more difficult.

Now, as well, as not walking, I'm grossly overweight.
I hurt. My back spasms. My hips are randomly stiff. My butt muscles tighten and ache. My knees buckle. My ankles roll. My feet swell.

I feel cold.

I'm beginning to have trouble hearing as well as visual problems. Even though my basic vision, thanks to last year's cataract surgeries, is better than it has been for years.

The cold is as much a surprise as the not walking. Cold hasn't especially bothered me much in my life. Put on more clothes, wear socks; that takes care of that.
Except that it no longer does.
The cold is inside me, working its way out.
In my bones.
A part of my bones, liquid and silvery.
And shivery.

Some days I feel frail, fragile, and feeble. It's an odd feeling in a body the size of a cow. Anyone this large should feel somewhat strong, even if it's "only" the strength of a steamroller.

I hate it.
I hate this.
I don't want to be prematurely old.
I also don't want to be an old person acting stupid-young. Although who really gets to define that? After a certain age and a certain amount of living, we should all be able to be ourselves: silly, shivering, happy, sad, glad, mad -- our best or truest self isn't anyone else's business.

It's a New Year, but it isn't a New Me.
It's an Old me.
And getting older.